1. First off, you’ve gotta take the UGLIEST stretch of road ever to get to the park.
Totally a bunch of ugly, boring nothingness with bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Loneliest Road in America
2. …And when you get to Great Basin National Park, you really have to fight the crowds.
One thing’s for sure, there are just TOO. MANY. PEOPLE.
Great Basin Hiking Trails
3. There’s this ancient, bristlecone pine forest you can hike into.
At 4,900-ish years old, they say these are the oldest known living organisms on Earth…but see how you can’t even get near them to really enjoy them? Lame. Besides, they’re just too old and dusty to bother with. In with the new!
4. The fall foliage ain’t nothin’ to write home about.
Sure, the aspen groves blaze every autumn, but really, it’s just a few colors you’ve seen before. No big deal.
Great Basin National Park
5. Great Basin is home to Nevada’s only active glacier.
So some ancient hunk of ice carved out one of the most gorgeous mountain ranges in the state and is still in action today? But who has time to stop and listen for the occasional cracking or water flowing beneath its frozen surface? Whatever.
Great Basin National Park
6. Going camping to decompress and get back to nature? Forget it.
Camping at 10,000 feet elevation at some of the most beautiful campgrounds in the Silver State is the opposite of serene, anyhow. You might as well pitch a tent on the interstate.
Wheeler Peak Scenic Drive & Campground
7. The second tallest peak in the state lies within the park’s boundaries.
…But it’s way too much work and definitely won’t pay off if you hike up that thing anyway. Keep that tushie parked on the couch—transformative experiences are the actual worst.
8. If you decide to hike Wheeler anyway, the views aren’t even worth.
Really, who needs to see for hundreds of miles in any direction?
Great Basin Hiking Trails
9. The wildlife here is alright, if you’re into enchanting experiences, that is.
Sure, it’s one of the darkest and quietest places in the U.S, so it draws a gargantuan amount of wildlife who thrive in its truly nocturnal environment. BUT, we’ll just stick to barnyards and petting zoos. Hearing an elk bugle? So not on our list.
Great Basin National Park
10. NOPE, we don’t want to know why people in the 1890s snuck into this enormous cave system for parties and secret society meetings.
Who wants to spelunk in a place with life forms that can’t be found anywhere else on the planet, and we definitely don’t want to carry cute little lanterns around as we explore. That Indiana Jones stuff is for the birds.
11. Even though most other caves have one or two shield formations, there are more than 300 of these ancient formations in Lehman Caves.
But really, how many amazing formations do you need to see? Skip the Grand Palace tour—photo ops like this definitely don’t make it worth the extra few bucks. Enough’s enough, make it stop already!
Lehman Caves
12. Finally, if you haven’t truly seen dark skies, Great Basin is NOT the place to do it.
They say “Half the Park is After Dark,” but we really don’t get what they’re talking about. Maybe if the Milky Way wasn’t so overbearing, we could actually see some darkness for once in our lives. Forget it, there’s too much fresh air in our ears by now, anyway. Get us out of this perfect nature experience!
Stargazing at Great Basin
