13 Reasons Why A Trip To Great Basin National Park Is The Actual Worst

1. First off, you’ve gotta take the UGLIEST stretch of road ever to get to the park. Totally a bunch of boring nothingness with bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Loneliest Road in America

2. …And when you get to Great Basin National Park, you really have to buckle down and fight the crowds. There are just TOO. MANY. PEOPLE

Stella Lake – Alpine Lakes Loop Trail, Great Basin National Park

3. There’s this Promethean Bristlecone Pine forest you can hike into. At 4,900ish years old, they sayyyy these are the oldest known living organisms on Earth…

Ancient Bristlecone Pine Forest, Great Basin National Park

4. …But see how they’re roped off and you can’t even get near them? Lame. Besides, they’re just too old and dusty to merit any attention. In with the new!

Bristlecone Pine Trail, Great Basin National Park

5. The fall foliage ain’t nothin’ to write home about. SUPER SNORE. 

Wheeler Peak Summit Trail, Great Basin National Park

6. Great Basin houses the only active glacier in Nevada. The same ol’ boring hunk of ice happened to carve out one of the most gorgeous mountain ranges in the state and is still in action. But, seriously. Slowing life down to a literal glacial pace and listening for occasional cracking and water flowing beneath its frozen surface? Ain’t nobody got time for that. BORRRING!

Glacier Trail, Great Basin National Park

7. Going camping to decompress and get back to nature? Forget it. Not happening here. Camping creekside at 10,000 feet is the opposite of serene, obvi. You might as well pitch a tent on the I-5.

Upper Lehman Campground, Great Basin National Park

8. Nevada is the most mountainous in the lower 48, and the second tallest peak in the state is WITHIN Great Basin’s park boundaries…but it’s way too much work and definitely won’t pay off in any way.  Keep that tushie parked on the couch, transformative experiences are the actual worst.

Wheeler Peak Summit Trail, Great Basin National Park

9. Plus, when you make it to the top, the views aren’t even worth it. Hundred-mile vantage points, schmantage schmoints.

Wheeler Peak – 13,061, Great Basin National Park

10. The wildlife here is alright, if you’re into enchanting experiences that is. Sure, it’s one of the darkest and quietest places in the U.S. so it draws a gargantuan amount of wildlife who depend on a true nocturnal environment. BUT, I think I’ll just stick to barnyards and petting zoos.  Hearing an elk bugle? So not on my list.

Great Basin National Park

11. NOPE, I for sure don’t want to know why people in the 1890s snuck into this grotto for parties and secret society meetings, I don’t want to spelunk in a place with life forms that can’t be found anywhere else on the planet, and I definitely don’t want to carry cute lanterns around as I explore. That sexed-up Indiana Jones stuff is for the birds. 

Lehman Caves Grand Palace Tour, Great Basin National Park

12. There are a couple of shield formations in caves throughout the nation, but there are over 300 of these ancient, human-sized formations in the cave system at Lehman. But really, how many ammmmmmmmmazing formations do you need to see? Skip the Grand Palace tour at Lehman, photo ops like this definitely don’t make it worth the extra few bucks. Enough’s enough, make it stop already!

Lehman Caves Grand Palace Tour, Great Basin National Park 

13. Above all else, if you haven’t truly seen the night skies, Great Basin is most certainly NOT the place to do it. They say “Half the Park is After Dark,” but I really don’t get what they’re talking about. All I see is blown-out light pollution for days. Maybe if the Milky Way wasn’t so overbearing, I could actually see some darkness for once in my life. Forget it, there’s too much fresh air in my ears by now, anyway. Get me out of this perfect nature experience!

Wheeler Peak Campground, Great Basin National Park

For the inside skinny on plotting a trip to Great Basin National Park, click here if you must, but don’t say I didnt warn you. You’re much better off on the couch…Here’s to endless Netflix binging!